I've Never Ridden a Ferris Wheel

Warning: This contains content that 9 year old boys would find interesting and amusing and might be considered too graphic for some readers.

There are probably a grip of reasons why I'm not married (using "grip" as a unit of measurement being included in the list), but I would say one of the most hindering qualities making me a less than desirable spouse is due to the fact that I am an abominable dater.

There is always the casual awkwardness when I go on dates: I say the wrong things at the wrong time, I unintentionally pretend like I'm extremely racist when I'm nervous, I forget what normal humans do with their hands while seated in cars, I order something for dinner that has giant pieces of lettuce or really long noodles, and I always race to the door with house key in hand so I don't have to remember the 90% 10% kissing rule. (and these are all obstacles I face when I'm at my dating prime).

Friday was an all time dating low.

I'm going to refer to my date as Prince Charming because A.) I can't imagine him wanting ANYONE to know that he took me out, and B.) He really was extremely charming through this whole ordeal.

So Charming picked me up for a fun-filled-first-date-style night at Lagoon... which is an amusement park in north salt lake about an hour away. The night started great. We got to the park, rode some coasters. I was feeling extra brave and less than my normal amount of awkward. This lasted awhile until something about the bright lights and the smell of funnel cake pushed me into a sweaty pit of nausea.

We finally made it over to the ferris wheel... in fact, we were INLINE for the ferris wheel and I decided that I didn't want my first ride on a ferris wheel (how have I NEVER ridden on a ferris wheel), to be with me, Charming, and everything I had eaten that day.

Hitting the point of no return on the nausea scale I asked if we could leave, a slightly defeated, but no less kind Charming obliged. On the way out of the parking lot I opened the door and puked for the first time all over the road.

Seeing the escalating situation Charming pulled a U-Turn into a gas station parking lot and in the process I projectile vomited all over the road out the window on the turn (I am not ashamed of this particular spew... it was a personal victory, the trajectory of the vomit was nothing short of a perfect 10).

In the parking lot I threw up a lot. In order to avoid my crazed heaving, Charming went into the gas station and got me drinks... and paper towels, and seeing as how I felt loads better we assumed the whole situation was over and joked about the sudden turn of events. I sipped on some diet dr. pepper and we started the hour-long trip back.

That wasn't the end. Had it been, throwing up after the amusement park would just be a quippy anecdote you tell to your girlfriends and then forget until your own kids start dating. No... about halfway through the trip back I decided I needed to sit up and talk to Charming since I had been completely ignoring him with my head out the window for the past 20 minutes and in the process I got sick again and puked out the window on the highway at 65 miles an hour successfully coating the outside of his truck, getting it on my hair and my shirt... twice.

Then Charming went into survival mode for both my sake and I think for the sake of his truck.

We flew back into town and as a final act of defeat I vomited all over my parking lot in front of my house. I heaved as he was walking me to my door. I threw up one more time and then Charming (acting as his very charming self) gave me a hug... dried dr. pepper throw up all over my shirt).

Best Thing Ever: Hubert. Charming made Hubert for me in slight mockery of my rabbity past and mostly because he is an expert craftsman and oh-so-charming. Its a good thing I have Hubert because he might be my only companion for a really really long time.

I think I owe Charming brownies... and a car wash.